2023 was dubbed by many as the year of the girl, although because we always refer to men as men rather than boys, for the purposes of progress, we’re gonna rework that into ‘The Year of the Woman’.
Taylor Swift and Beyonce single-handedly upheld the US economy. Tay Tay has already broken the record for the highest grossing tour before it’s even completed and graced the cover of Time Magazine as Time’s Person of the Year. Beyonce broke a long-held record by taking the crown for the most Grammy wins in history. Viola Davis became the next EGOT. Margot Robbie, Greta Gerwig and the greatest marketing team in history smashed the box office with everyone’s (maybe not Joe Rogan’s podcast listeners) favourite film of the year with Barbie (Hi Barbie!) America Ferrera delivered us the speech we waited our whole lives to hear, but couldn’t quite phrase it adequately enough to articulate just how impossible it is to be a woman (I always did feel like Ugly Betty understood me). We realised just how awesome and how mis-represented Victoria Beckham was. The Matildas stopped the nation and proved just how brilliant (and under-funded) women’s sport is. Look I could go on all night, but you get the gist. We dominated. And yet…this year I saw more online vitriol towards women than I’ve ever encountered and more than once a week, saw the face of an Australian Woman who was murdered at the hands of a man she knew. The contrasts were very stark. It was a year all around of very high highs, and very low lows. I’d be very surprised if you didn’t find the need to hide under the covers at least a few times throughout 2023.
I have personally always loved the number 23, and had a deep sense that this would be a big year for me. After many years of absolute grind, working 3 jobs, paying off debt, supporting others as they achieved their dreams, I knew as 2022 came to an end that I was about to enter the year where I would finally start reaping my rewards. And boy did I.
I started the year completely debt free, with massive joint savings and pre-approval for a home loan with the old ball & chain. I welcomed dear old friends back into my life and the friendships took off exactly where they left off. I said a hard no to someone trying to come back into my life after always having his back for 20 years as he abandoned me at my time of need over and over again (there’s a fine line between supporting and enabling). I celebrated my 40th birthday 3 times with all whom I hold dear in my life. My husband and I had the most thrilling 4 week trip throughout Morocco, France and Italy, I even got to introduce him to my relatives in Sicily and show him my Nonna’s old home which holds a very special place in my heart. I had so many regular singing gigs which brings more joy and creative fulfilment to me than you’ll ever know. I took a step back from one sided friendships that have never once in 20 years invited me out for coffee or dinner but rather relied on me every single time to do the planning. I’m not an event planner, I’m an equal part in my relationships and if people don’t show effort, there are no hard feelings, but I will withdraw myself. I tried new things, I chose bravery when I was really scared. I spoke my truth in every single situation, with tact and dignity. I called people out when they demonstrated unjust or toxic behaviour. I then removed myself from the room / situation / relationship if they couldn’t see why. I upheld my boundaries and pushed back when they were not respected. I continued to work with the kindest, most compassionate, creative and powerhouse women I have ever worked with in my life (it’s amazing how much you thrive in the right environment). I worked less hours and spent more time on my creative pursuits. And as the year came to a close, my husband and I just bought our very first property together! I cannot express how proud I am of him and I for how hard we’ve worked and how positive and focussed we have been as we continue to work towards our goals. There are honestly even more amazing things that happened this year but I’ll stop there or you may close the page. But I will say, that the very best thing that happened to me this year was getting my first ever dishwasher!!! I am not joking, that shit is daily convenience and you should see how long my nails have already grown!
The reason this year was so special was not just the list of achievements, but rather how much I “showed up” this year.
If you knew me well and knew how far I’d come, you’d see the shift in me. In high school, I was so insecure and frightened of life, I would jig school, catch the train back home and hide in the public toilet on Hurstville station with a stack of books and stay in that dirty, stinky toilet all day long. I’ve literally never told another living soul that.
I didn’t know myself in any way shape or form. Any time I used my voice to express my opinion or feelings, I was shut down. I lived in fear of being scolded. I was taught to be a good little girl. Good little girls don’t speak up for themselves, that’s disrespectful. Good little girls don’t talk about their periods, that’s dirty and might offend the men. Good little girls don’t have sexual feelings, that’s shameful. Good little girls wear prissy dresses, not black midriff tops even though I had abs that should have been shown off every single day. Good little girls do more work around the house because they’re just better at it, even though they get half the pocket money their brother got.
That insecure girl in the dirty public toilet grew up to be a woman with a louder voice but she wasn’t anymore confident. Not until very recently. I think I wanted to like myself for a long time, I was just never shown how to, or taught that it was OK to.
I sit here as a 40yr old woman with a body that doesn’t move half as well or as quick as it did in my 20’s. But I like this age so, so much. I like myself very much. And that’s such a beautiful thing. It should be celebrated.
There is something about personal growth though, that triggers something in others.
Louise Hay once lived in abusive relationships, and as she became the woman we admire today, she said “I am no longer on the radar of these men”. Look I would agree with that. After multiple unhealthy relationships and one very violent and abusive relationship, it was when I did the inner work and became the woman I am today, that my wonderful husband popped up in my life when I stopped looking. He is a particularly secure man and once I was on his level, I popped up on his radar. I do believe that’s how it works for romantic relationships or any new relationships. However, for already existing relationships with family, friends or colleagues, be prepared to ruffle a few feathers as you grow into a stronger version of yourself and find your voice. I believe they are triggered for one of two reasons, either your stark contrast to them makes them feel inadequate in themselves because they haven’t done the work they need to do. Or they fear that as you grow, you will grow away from them.
If someone is in a loving, supportive relationship with you, they shouldn’t fear you growing apart. However, If they have been taking advantage of your weaknesses to assert their dominance, they will definitely fear you outgrowing them (Stockholm Syndrome much?)
I have experienced this and continue to experience this with a couple of women in my life (gen X and Baby Boomers of course, us millennial women have a tendency to have each other’s backs). They are visibly triggered by me when I enter the room, even though I enter it with a warm smile. I am not greeted with a warm hug like my male counterparts are. I am criticized, judged, shamed, picked on, competed with and subtle but constant passive aggressive digs are made at my expense the entire time. They do this with other women too (not to the extent that I receive it) and yet my male counterparts continue to be spared any of it. But it must be me, right? I leave feeling distressed and unwell. After spending all of my days with positive uplifting people, I leave these people feeling what can only be described as having a severe hangover. The emotional toxicity does such a number on my health that it’s akin to drinking an entire bottle of cheap scotch. It then takes me days to recover. I’m not complicit in this, I have certainly voiced my concern multiple times, raised my white flag and even taken several long breaks from such people in the past, but sometimes, crossing paths is unavoidable in certain circles.
There is nothing more toxic than someone who treats you like shit and then says “You know I love you, right”? We wanna see it, we don’t wanna hear it.
It’s just so sad. It’s so unhealthy, it’s so unnecessary and can only be described as a form of misogyny, if if this type of behaviour is only projected at women. What is gut-wrenching, is that most often for me, the misogyny is coming from other women. It’s just a tragedy. But it does make you wonder if at the end of the day it’s because these generations grew up in a time of staunch patriarchy. They’re brainwashed. They’re most likely a lost cause.
I will not let it affect me as it used to. I am surrounded by wonderful people who discuss important worldly topics instead of discussing other people behind their backs. I am supported every day by strong, compassionate women. I will not stoop to their level. I hope they see the error of their ways before the clock stops ticking. But if they don’t, it’s not my cause. Not my circus, not my monkeys.
Join me in leaving the following shit behind in 2024 and feel free to add to the list:
- Being a good girl (apparently they seldom make history).
- Explaining yourself to uneducated fuckwits.
- Remining in a conversation / room that is sucking your soul like one of Harry Potter’s Dementors.
- Saying yes to shit you don’t want to do.
- Apologising, unless you have fucked up, then own it with grace and move on, we all do it.
- Spending more than you earn to fit in.
- Drinking too much if it’s no longer serving you well.
- Being scared to use your voice. Use it even when it shakes. In fact, use it especially when it shakes.
- Being scared to try something new.
- Taking Ozempic unless you really fucking need it for health reasons.
- Neglecting check ups (please touch your own boobs tonight).
- Getting upset when we can’t get emotionally stunted idiots to see our truth. You know your truth, that’s enough.
- Pleasing others. Fuck ’em.
- Criticising our bodies.
- Over packing your schedule. Burn out in general.
My word for 2023 was “authentic” and I lived up to it in every sense of the word. As my body urges me to dial it back and enter my soft girl era, my word for 2024 is “gentle”.
I’ve been in my ‘masculine’ ‘doing’ energy for what feels like my entire life. If I’m not on the go and achieving something, I have a tendency to berate myself for being a slacker. But we’re not going to do that anymore. I am entering my ‘feminine’ ‘being’ energy and it’s daunting, new and a little scary, but it’s all part of the journey and I may just discover some new talents and perhaps even a new purpose for my life.
I’m scared and excited, and that’s how I like to start every new year.
Thank you for taking the time to read words that are very important to me. Please send me any of your work that you are proud of and I will be happy to share the love.
Let 2024 see us believing in ourselves and lifting each other up. And please know, that you’re doing a really great job. I got your back girl.
