39 life lessons I learned by 39

I turned 39 a few days ago and given that my 30’s brought some significant uplevelling to my life, I thought it best to pass on some of my pearls of wisdom to those who might need it. Well, I mean that was the plan, but over achiever that I am, I came up with 45 lessons instead. I mean it’s got a better ring to it anyway. So, enjoy 39 + 6 bonus lessons (hopefully that’s right, math wasn’t one of my life lessons).

1.) Share your story, only with those who have earned the right to hear your story.

2.) Expensive handbags are bullshit. You’re gonna throw that thing on the floor. Buy a return flight to Paris instead. 

3.) If you don’t get the joke, say “I don’t get it, what does that mean?” I can’t overstate how much this minor tweak changed my life.

4.) Compliment strangers whenever you think they look nice. I just passed a lovely looking lady in a beautiful ballooned-sleeve blouse and said; “That top looks gorgeous on you!” Well, you should have seen the strut on that bitch after she thanked me. She probably felt hot for the rest of the day. Compliments are gifts within everyone’s budget.

5.) Stop apologising and asking for permission , as if you’re a second-rate citizen. Especially at work. Don’t be overly thankful in email responses to someone who is just doing their job. Always be kind, respectful and professional but there’s no need to feel like you’re constantly inconveniencing others. Men don’t. Change the narrative from ‘bossy’ to ‘assertive’ by tweaking the wording. “I’m so sorry for my late reply” becomes “Thank you for your patience in awaiting my response”. I simply cannot stress this enough: this life may be your only shot, you gotta grab life by the balls and be the star of your movie, not the supporting actor (today I’m Jennifer Lawrence).

6.) Don’t have expectations of others, it’ll always end in disappointment. Stop getting hurt by people who don’t return your texts or like your posts. They’re probably adding something more valuable to your life anyway. I have a dear old friend who never replies to texts (or replies three months later) but will give me the most sound advice in times of crisis, and call me out of the blue for a one hour debriefing on the Sex and the City reboot (yes Liz, this one’s for you). Stop expecting to get everything you need from one person, no one’s that perfect. You can have one friend to party hard with, one friend to hold your hair back when you party a little too hard, one friend to provide the shoulder to cry on, and one friend to help you make sense of the chaos that is your life. Create a rich tapestry of friendships.

7.) Having friends from various age groups makes for richer experiences. I’ve had some of my best nights out with my 22yr old friends and some of my best conversations with my 62yr old friends. And vice versa.

8.) Silently forgive and wish your exes well. Including (and especially) the bad ones. I say this with the utmost sincerity, I have so much love and gratitude for everyone who has been in my life. And I went through some tough times. I’m glad we met, I’m glad we shared in some good and some not so good experiences and I’m glad we grew apart which lead us to our right path. I hope they’re all living their best lives (I just hope mine’s slightly better, obvs).

9.) Staying with someone when you no longer love them is actually not being kind at all, it’s being selfish by keeping them from who they’re meant to be with. It’s kinder to hurt them and let them go. There’s someone for everyone.

10.) Don’t bring baggage from the last relationship into the new relationship. Your new partner deserves a clean slate. Let go of the hurt and the fear of the past, but retain the wisdom gained. 

11.) Your gut instinct is always right, I repeat, your gut instinct is always right. Be open to trust others but never ignore red flags. Expect the best and plan for the worst.

12.) Make your home a haven. Decorate it beautifully, burn incense, fill every room with plants & beautiful artworks and smudge the space after others visit your home. But always love the home you’re in. You are so fucking lucky to have a home to live in, especially in Winter. 

13.) If you don’t like the home or the job that you’re in, thank it for the shelter, safety, stability and memories it provided, and release it with love to the next person who will love it even more. 

14.) Go on as many dates as possible, experience is great. But don’t hunt for the love of your life, it doesn’t work. ‘The one’ shows up when you become so in love with yourself and your life that they migrate towards you like a magnet because they want to be part of that vibe too.

15.) Only marry because being around your chosen person feels like pure sunshine. Only be with someone if your values and goals align. You don’t need the same personality traits or same interests, but if you’re not headed in the same direction, you’re in for a bumpy ride. And not the good kind.

16.) Your “other half” doesn’t exist. You’re a whole. He or she is a whole, and you come together to share in life’s experiences, side by side.

17.) Write a budget for each pay, and stick to it. Don’t live beyond your means or you’ll spend your best years working multiple jobs and paying off debts. Trust me.

18.) Don’t write a plan for your life, just write a list of short-term goals and a list of long-term goals. Do your best to achieve them but pivot as obstacles arise.

19.) Stop asking everyone for advice. Trust your instincts, you know what you need.

20.) But do reach out for help when you feel yourself sinking. It can be a loved one, a medical professional or an anonymous call with a hotline. 

21.) Love your body with sincerity. Every single crevice. Thank it for all that it does for you and reward it regularly. Get deep tissue massages, and facials. Move your body. Dance. Stretch. If you keep getting tight muscles, aches and pains, before googling your symptoms, just try masturbating. It’s better for your muscles than magnesium or ibuprofen, and better for your skin than any vitamin C sheet mask. All jokes aside, connecting with the self is a very powerful part of womanhood and no one should know your body better than you do.

22.) Gratitude lists are not woo woo. They are vital for a healthy, successful life.

23.) Manifestation is not bullshit, it’s fucking magical and the force behind my greatest successes. 

24.) Forgive yourself and others for all the junk sitting in your chest. Not because they need it, because you do. Pretend you have one day left to live, does it honestly matter now?

25.) Keep birthday cards from your favourite peeps. Send out Christmas Cards and draw holly in the corner. 

26.) Bake cookies every Christmas Eve and leave two out for Santa, next to a cup of milk. Then look in the sky to see if you can spot his sleigh. Why should this have an age limit?

27.) Let your inner child thrive. Swing on the swing-set, go down the water slide, watch your favourite childhood movies, sing along to Disney soundtracks, dance in the living room and invite your friends over for pyjama and sock dance parties. Hot tip, dancing to Kate Bush’s ‘Babushka’ with high kicks and pinot noir is a better than therapy. Possibly better than really good sex too.

28.) Your knees and neck are always going to hurt, but constantly talking about them makes it worse. Book in with your chiro but picture yourself dancing like a rockette. You will never fully understand the power of your own mind.

29.) Spend money on good food, and eat it slowly without guilt. What a privilege it is to be able to provide yourself with good quality food every day. Eat well, exercise, have long walks in nature. But don’t try fad diets or count calories. Count only your blessings. Treat your body like you would a plant, plenty of water, sunshine & TLC.

30.) Listen to Baz Lurhmann’s ‘The Sunscreen Song’ at least once a month. And watch YouTube videos of people hearing their loved ones’ voices for the first time after cochlear transplants. Both will put everything into so much perspective.

31.) Regularly donate time, money and blood. You have at your fingertips the resources to improve or save a life. Why would you even need convincing? You’ll feel freaking amazing afterwards. It’s a win/win.

32.) Read Maya Angelou’s ‘Phenomenal Woman’ at least once a year.

33.) Read or listen to anything from Eckart Tolle, Louise Hay, Brené Brown, Glennon Doyle and Oprah. Game changers. 

34.) If you want a healthy mind and successful life, stop listening to true crime podcasts about rape and murder. Fill your ears with motivating content on financial wealth, self-love, positive mental health, lady start-up businesses, and manifesting that mansion and European vacation.

35.) You can’t handle hangovers after 35. But Hydralyte and Hydradol help. So does switching over to water when you feel the night starting to wind up.

36.) Schedule time to do nothing but don’t spend it online. Spend it on the grass looking up at the sky and trying to make shapes put of clouds. Have playtime. Why is this not a thing in adulthood?

37.) You really can’t achieve anything substantial without 8hrs sleep a night.

38.) Be there for your loved ones, unless your cup is empty. You’ll add more value later if you shut down to recharge and return with a full battery. 

39.) Set healthy boundaries. Don’t accept phone calls if you can’t talk. Tell them you can’t talk right now and ask what will be a good time to call back? Don’t agree to go anywhere if you’re not looking forward to it. Say yes to exciting opportunities and say no to obligations that feel like punishments.  

40.) When someone is telling you a story about their life, listen to them. Look them in the eye and really listen to them. You can’t imagine what that will mean to them.

41.) Be pro-peace instead of anti-war. Be pro-solution instead of anti-problem. Always speak from love rather than fear. 

42.) Your dreams are never too big. You’re just sharing them with small minds.

43.) Unfollow or mute any social media accounts that make you feel like shit.

44.) I adore all of the people in my life, but being on my own brings me joy and peace like nothing else can. Date yourself. Take yourself out to dinner and a movie, go on a picnic with a big stack of books, go for a swim by yourself and walk barefoot in the grass as often as you can.

45.) Marry someone who really gets you. After a few false starts, I now spend my life with a man who can’t write romantic words on a birthday card or remember to open the window when he showers, but he expects nothing from me and allows me to be whoever I need to be, completely devoid of judgement. He has never tried to change a single aspect of my appearance or personality and calmly talks me through my meltdowns when I say I need to talk it out. But never offers advice when I look like I’m working through something on my own. He’s there when I need support, and gone when I need space, without asking why. I cannot express to you how vital this is for a happy, peaceful life. Relationships require work, but they should never feel draining or exhausting. Hold out for what fits you better. Until then, love the shit out of yourself.