lifestyle_blog - The Barefoot Blogger

April 8, 2020April 10, 2020

My top 10 tips for surviving iso

Like many of you, I’ve been working from home for several weeks and spending my weekends locked in the same apartment, except for daily walks and my weekly trip to Coles (which I now do in ball gown, full make up and my best perfume). Being in the same room all day every day can feel like a prison sentence; no matter how beautiful your home is. Check out my top ten tips for keeping your shit together during isolation:

1.) Structure your day: each night, have a list in order of what you need to do the next day. Set your alarm for the same time every day. If you’re working from home, you can have a little extra sleep-in, but don’t overdo it. Did you know that your body’s cortisol levels are at their highest first thing in the morning? That makes the perfect time for a workout, so put your running shoes on and get outdoors, or do an online circuit class. If you were already a member of a gym, they probably already have free online workouts (such as Anytime Fitness & Fitness First) which you can access via an app. Or Fitness Queen Kayla Itsitnes’ Sweat app is currently offering a 4 week free trial if you jump on her app.

Richard Simmons Dance GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

2.) Dress for success: the occasional day of binge-watching Netflix on the couch in your baggy sweats can be good for the soul, but on the daily, can make you feel like a loser and your motivation will plummet! If you’re working from home, get dressed everyday (bra totally optional), brush your hair back and put your favourite lip gloss on. It will help you get into a more organised state of mind to tackle some work, and if you know in advance you’re having a Zoom meeting with your colleagues, dress a little more professional and be aware of your surroundings that may be visible to your colleagues (might wanna hide that giant bottle of Vodka behind you).

3.) Create a productive work space: this is vital not just for mental clarity but also be aware of your posture. Keep the space neat and decorate with your favourite cystals and rock-salt lamp to create a zen AF ambience. If you’re working from your dining table and your chair is a little low, prop yourself up on a couch cushion. If you’re getting sore neck and shoulders, you might wanna try what I did and buy a Posture Medic brace online which forces you to pull your shoulders back: https://www.posturemedic.com.au/ It’s also a great idea to get up once an hour to stretch your body out.

4.) Meal prep every Sunday: this is something my partner Allan and I do every single Sunday regardless. It helps us to make healthy choices and saves us from cooking every single night when we’re tired after work. Pick a few proteins and a few veggies and make some variations each week to keep it interesting. Making a list before you get to the shops is always a good idea (jump on my insta for some food-spiration).

5.) Stay connected with family and friends: I’m definitely missing dinner with my family, drinks with my friends, and cuddles with my niece and nephew more than anything! We may not be able to physically socialise with our nearest and dearest, but technology does allow us to stay connected. If you’ve been living under a rock for the last few weeks and haven’t downloaded the House Party app, get on it now! You can have multiple screens (Brady Bunch style) and have all your friends or family in one chat. I have two major tips for this app though: lock the room (little lock icon in centre bottom of screen) to prevent unwanted people from crashing your party and never open the app when scrolling on the loo, because random calls will pop up and you can definitely get caught in a pants-down situation. If you ever require some more serious help and want to talk to someone you’re not close with, call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or jump on their online chats.

6.) Tea time with your neighbour: if you have a lovely fence to sit on, you might wanna book in some time with your favourite neighbour to meet once a week with a cup of peppermint tea, watch the world go by and share some self isolation war stories (just mind your 1.5 metres).

Excited Alice In Wonderland GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

7.) Get a pen-pal: When I was a kid, I always used to write letters to my cousin who I didn’t see very often, and a Balinese exchange student once she returned to Bali. I loved getting letters in the mail! (It sure beats your electricity bill). I think I might start this again, maybe with my beautiful Canadian friend I met many years ago on a Contiki trip in Italy. If writing letters isn’t your thing, sending your loved ones thoughtful care packages is such a nice gesture. I just sent my parents some Easter Eggs and a book of crossword puzzles and sent my niece and nephew some Easter goodies, pencils, crayons, colouring book and card games. They went down a treat!

8.) Pick up a hobby: I’ve never been one to sit and watch the TV for hours on end. I always need to keep my hands busy! When I was little, I used to pull mum’s ironing board over to the couch and make art pieces or build furniture for my shoe-box dollhouse out of colourful clay. Even now, I need something to do or I’ll just kill more brain cells by scrolling through my phone. I’ve pulled out my old knitting needles and starting re-knitting a scarf I started many moons ago (totally not a granny pass-time, I think knitting is making a comeback) and I pulled out all my high school art supplies from the garage and started creating some beautiful art works. That’s the thing about art; it’s subjective! Plus it’s totally all about the journey and not the destination. Keeping your hands busy with arts and crafts is a great way to keep depression at bay (ever heard of art therapy?). Not that artistic? Pull out your old board games and puzzles from under the bed and sprawl them all over the living room floor.

9.) Start and end the day in silence: if you wake up and scroll through your phone or put the news on, you might be flooding your brain with some overwhelming imagery and content which can set the tone for the day in a negative way. Try sitting in silence and focusing on your breathing for ten minutes. I like to make a list of everything I’m grateful for before I even get up to pee. For me, I list everything I can think of such as my warm bed, my comfortable pillow, my nutritious breakfast, my loving man. And before bed each night, you might want to do the same. It’s important not to look at your phone or bright lights an hour before bed. You might like to light some candles and spend time moisturising, or read a great book before calling it a night. If you experience some trouble sleeping during this period, try some natural therapies rather than pills. I personally love The Beauty Chef’s SLEEP Inner Beauty Support in some warm almond milk, about an hour before bed. It gives me such a restful sleep.

10.) Start the ‘one day‘ goal: you know what I’m talking about. We all have at least one thing we say we’ll do ‘one day’ when life is not so busy. I got news for ya; this is ‘one day‘! I have just started the three things I always said I’d do: learn Italian, learn to play an instrument, write a book. Allan and I are learning Italian once a night on our Duo Lingo app, I plan to learn guitar soon but have started small on a Ukulele, playing online each night. There are plenty of online platforms to teach you how to play an instrument, or your local music school may provide Skype lessons (such as my big bro’s guitar teaching school Prodigy Music https://www.prodigymusic.com.au/ ) Writing my book will take some time but happy to have gotten a head-start. If you don’t really have an artistic goal, you might just do that big clean out you’ve been pushing off. Try selling some unwanted but good condition clothes on eBay and give the rest to the Salvos or Vinnies. Nothing gives you a better sleep than a sense of accomplishment, so keep up the productivity!

I hope that these tips have been helpful and please feel free to reach out to me with your tips for killing boredom in lockdown. Stay safe and well beautiful peeps x

February 9, 2020April 8, 2020

Give me your digits

Ever get the feeling that society is judging you based on measurable numbers from your age to your dress size, from your salary to your postcode? Remember being seven years old and having something to say only to be scoffed at, because what does a little girl who hasn’t reached a decade, know about the world? Ever felt like you became a little less relevant after the age of 35? Well, I have. And I’m pretty sure I’m not alone.

Kris Carr is a published writer who has documented her journey on living with Cancer for over ten years. Upon having to reflect on her life and make changes to start healing her body, Kris realised that her version of ‘self-care’ had been “don’t look old and don’t get fat”. This line was such an eye-opener for me. How many times have we measured our health on external appearances rather than nurturing our bodies, minds and spirits?

I spent years having only five hours sleep a night, in order to be at the gym at the crack of dawn to make sure I looked fit. Many days, attending the gym twice in one day. Not too long ago, I would drink these synthetic powders that helped to ‘lose weight’ that were so full of green-tea extract that I would get horrendous anxiety and feel like I was going to have a heart attack. Is that practising good health? Me thinks not.

I’ve always labelled myself as an ‘all or nothing girl’. I don’t drink on weeknights, I don’t drink at home and never drink on my own. I may only drink a handful of times per year, but when I do, I go way too far and feel like death the next day. And now in my thirties, I’ve discovered the post-drink blues. You know the one where you’re telling yourself what a loser you are, that you should be married with kids and planning kids’ birthday parties instead of searching for the Panadol and Hydralyte? I eat very healthy most of the time, though if I’m in a buffet situation, I get savage and binge like Augustus Gloop on death row. Like I said; all or nothing. It’s an unhealthy spiral of abstain, binge, feel shame.

Image result for augustus gloop eating gif

Am I to blame? Hell no! I was born a happy young girl who wanted nothing more than to run around barefoot and play. My brain was then flooded with images on magazines, billboards, TV, even Barbie dolls, of what a woman should look like. I was brainwashed into believing that young, slim and attractive = optimal place in society.

Sure, we’ve had improvements, thanks to someone as lovable and talented as Rebel Wilson finally getting a lead role in a movie (even though her size is mentioned throughout the entire film) and female newsreaders don’t seem to be getting replaced by a younger model quite as often. But we’re still living in a society dominated by numbers.

Every time I read an article in a magazine about one of my favourite celebrities, their age is always in brackets next to their name. As if it were imperative for the validity of the article for me to know exactly how old they are. Wow, J-Lo is still hot at 50, Cameron Diaz has first child at 47, Delta is unmarried and without child at 35. Wow, shock horror! These publications are encouraging us to label and compare ourselves to each other to see if we are ahead or behind.

Image result for running late gif — I constantly feel like I’m running behind but I don’t know why?!

Author, spiritual teacher and advocate for ‘living in the present moment’, Mr Eckhart Tolle, believes that the power of the ego lies within identifying with form. Don’t mistake form for just the physical, this can be the car you drive, your salary, your job, your postcode, your weight, your dress size or your age. Anytime you equate your worth with form, you are de-valuing yourself as a person and allowing your ego to dominate. Attention Double Bay people: don’t think I don’t notice you judging my scuffed shoes and non-designer clothes.

Ryan Gosling’s character Sebastian, in the film ‘La La Land’, describes the people of LA as “worshipping everything and valuing nothing”. It’s like a societal Cancer that has spread its disease from coast to coast, brainwashing us into believing that we must attain a certain product, or look a certain way to feel good about ourselves. But do we feel good? Or have we just become the optimal consumer?

The mere fact that a Kardashian is worth over a billion dollars and Dr Charlie Teo isn’t, is proof that modern culture is misguided. If you were dying and needed life-saving surgery, I doubt that someone with a make-up line, a pushy stage-mum and an empire built on the back of big sister’s sex-tape would be able to help you.

Image result for kylie jenner gif — That’s a billion dollar selfie-game right there

Let’s continue to fight the belief that our worth lies in a measurable number. Our humanity, our compassion and our passions will always define us so much more. This body that we’re in is just clothing for who we really are, and it’s temporary, just like our cars, our jobs and our homes. When they go, what makes us special will remain. Remember that and tune into it as often as possible. All of these numbers and figures are a way to compare ourselves to others and determine that we aren’t measuring up. They lower our self-worth and in turn, make us want to spend our hard-earned dollars on labels and products that make us ‘fit in’ to the social norm.

If you really want to talk numbers, here are some figures that count: Scientists have determined that there will be more plastic than fish in the oceans by 2050, …depressing, sure. But more important than your dress size. Or on the back-end of what was a grief-stricken Summer for Australians, the bushfires have burnt an estimated 18.6 million hectares, destroyed over 5,900 buildings (including 2,779 homes) and killed at least 34 people. An estimated one billion animals have been killed and some endangered species may be driven to extinction. Yet amidst the tragedy, Australians and international friends managed to raise over $50 million, led by our Aussie Queen, Celeste Barber. That’s the thing about tragedies; people are always willing to band together to help one another, we just need the right inspiration.

Let’s focus on the things that really matter and move away from media influence that pits us against one another and causes us to question our worth.

Here’s to a life without numbers! Maths was always my least favourite subject anyway.

May 29, 2019May 31, 2019

Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?

It’s a truth, universally acknowledged that the two greatest fears amongst humans are public speaking and death. To which Jerry Seinfeld poignantly noted that at a funeral, most of us would rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy.
I don’t know about you, but one of my greatest fears has always been prison. I need to move my body, feel the earth under my bare feet and stare up at the moon before retiring to bed.
Something I have come to realise over the years, is that a lot of us are living like prisoners. Behind the invisible bars of not being our “true selves”.

In my early twenties, I worked at Myer, in the ladies’ accessories department. What a great job to have at an age where all you wanted to do was try on all the merchandise, run out to Pitt Street to sneak a ciggie, wear low-cut tops and flirt with all the straight boys in the logistics department. At the ripe old age of 35, my life now consists mainly of loose-fitted shirts and napping.
I was approached, one day, by two Chanel representatives who asked me if I’d like to remain in that department, exclusively selling Chanel sunglasses (at $500 a pop, those babies really moved!) I took them up on their offer, wooed by promises of commissions and free Chanel sunglasses (I never saw either). Though there was a catch: the Chanel uniform consisted of a long, high wasted navy skirt and a thick, high neck shirt in a beige that can only be described as the colour of diarrhea. I also had to wear my hair in a bun and no dangly earrings. My thing is the statement earring; Hello J-LO and Nelly Furtado hoops! I was miserable.
OK, I guess George Michael makes a fair point that “sometimes the clothes do not make the man”, but your personal style is your first message to the world of who you are. I felt like I was shackled. Forced to tone down the real Steph.
I literally ran to the chemist on my lunch break and got three more piercings in my ears just to rebel. And a little while later, got my first tattoo.

How many of us today are in a relationship, a friendship, a course or a job that does not, in any way reflect our most authentic selves? Doing something that compromises our beliefs or goals because we believe it is the right thing to do. Or what our loved ones told us we should be doing.
I don’t want to wait until I’m a granny on her way to bingo, before I start being honest about what I really want or who I really am.

Pop music phenomenon Katy Perry was dropped by three record labels before officially hitting the big time with her ’06 hit ‘I kissed a girl’. Always being told to change her image and change her style of songs because she needed to be the next Avril Lavigne, Perry kept thinking; “I just wanna be the first Katy Perry”.
Fast forward a decade or so, and this woman has amassed a net worth of $330m, released 5 albums and 29 hit singles, currently has a successful TV career and a successful perfume and shoe line…just to name a few. This success arose when she walked away from the people who did not believe in her vision, went back to writing and recording her own songs that reflected who she was. And the rest, is history.

Image result for katy perry gif — Take that, losers!

Perhaps the key to success is a mixture of being true to your most authentic self and having someone believe in you and back you.
We’ve all heard Gaga’s speech about getting her big movie break in A Star is Born, about having one hundred people in a room and ninety nine don’t believe in you but you only need that one person. For her, that one person was Bradley Cooper who had seen her perform La Vien Rose at a charity event and moved mountains to have her cast as the lead.

As a result, Gaga received multiple award nominations for her acting role, won critical acclaim worldwide, won an Oscar for best song in the film and absolutely slayyyyyyed the red-carpet during awards season. I think we can all agree, there is only one Lady Gaga.

Related image — Thanks for believing in me Coops. Can I have your babies?

I’m really digging podcasts at the moment. I’m feeling so motivated and inspired by hearing the voices of those I most admire and listening to their stories of rise & fall, directly from the horse’s mouth. Oprah’s Super Soul Conversations podcast is at the very top of my list.
In one of these episodes, Oprah tells of her truly inspiring story that I highly recommend you listen to. I don’t know any story quite like Queen O’s. To rise and rise after such a tragic and tumultuous childhood is truly inspiring. Though the story that really stood out in my mind is how she first got her big break on a daytime talk show in Chicago after kicking around on news programs that she never truly felt comfortable at. Oprah was pitted against The Phil Donahue Show.

For those of you old enough to remember, Donahue was the unrivalled King of daytime TV and Oprah was essentially told by her boss, in so many words; “we know you don’t stand a chance against Phil Donahue, we just want you to get up there and be yourself”. On her first episode, Oprah beat Phil’s ratings and her show continued to gain audiences at a rapid rate until she became the unequivocal Queen of daytime TV (and my world).

There was never anything that cutting edge that set Oprah apart from her peers, she merely demonstrated immense warmth and empathy. Oprah was truly, just being herself, and for her, that was enough to create immense success, given the right platform.

When Ed Sheeran sings, when Jamie Oliver cooks, when Oprah speaks or when Carl Barron tells a joke, are they re-inventing the wheel? Or are they just being their most authentic selves, doing something they really, truly enjoy?

Look at what you’re doing and what you have on your bucket list. Ask yourself if this is what makes your soul soar, or if it’s just what you think you “should” be doing.
Stop “should”-ing on your life. This life may be briefer than you think.

My name is Steph. I like to tell dirty jokes (sometimes with interpretive dance). I like to drink shots at parties instead of being the designated driver (also with interpretive dance). I like to swear if it makes the story better. I like to sing in the shower, pat other people’s dogs, compliment strangers on a nice outfit, watch Christmas movies and listen to Christmas Carols (even if it’s only May) and I like to have a good cry at YouTube videos of cochlear transplant patients hearing their loved ones’ voices for the first time (seriously gets me every time).

Join me in shedding the chains that are smothering the real you. Let your true colours shine, whether it’s to someone else’s liking or not. And do one thing every day that makes you smile, whether you get paid for it or not.
In the words of one Homer J. Simpson; “if it feels good, do it!”

December 20, 2018May 2, 2019

Finding your voice

Would you say that you are brave? Tough question, right? I’m pretty sure I’m scared of everything. I’m scared of spiders, public speaking, heights, being hungry on a long train-ride. I’m even scared of escalators! Though, actually I think that this fear is pretty rational, given that I was knocked unconscious on an escalator in ‘03 when my long, Stevie Nicks-esque cardigan got caught on one at Hurstville station and catapulted me back down to earth and left my back covered in escalator shaped tooth marks.

My partner, Allan is one of those crazy, calm people who doesn’t panic when everything falls apart. He does this really weird thing where he looks for a solution to the problem without attaching emotion to it (like I said; crazy). He’s also one of those mental patients who has jumped out of an aeroplane willingly, bungee jumped for the fun of it and continues to ask me to accompany him swimming with sharks (bless his cotton socks).

I am no thrill seeker, but there is one area where my bravery excelled as a child and returned with a vengeance in my 30’s after an unfortunate disappearing act in my 20’s; speaking my mind. Something that I believe young children and senior citizens are brilliant at. I remember visiting my nan in the nursing home the year of her passing, asking if she liked my new jacket; “not really” she replied. Ahhh, so refreshingly honest. What happens to us in those years in between dummies and dentures? Is it that deadly disease sweeping the globe; ‘caring what others think of us’? Imagine what the human race could accomplish in those wasted hours spent worrying about the judgement of others?

My greatest flaw and biggest barrier to success has been my ‘people pleasing’ personality. That need for a pat on the head, to be told that I’m doing a good job. Every time I have needed external validation, I have handed over my power to someone else.

I have this theory, from carefully observing those I deem to be successful: that some of the most successful people did not do well in school. I was a straight-A student whom teachers loved. They told me to jump and I asked; “how high”? I then spent my early adult years in unhealthy relationships with basic jobs and financial debt. Could this be because I was a victim of a system that encouraged ‘sheep’ rather than independent thinkers? I’m not suggesting to stop reading or being interested in gaining knowledge, I’m suggesting that perhaps a rebellious streak could have been a little less punished by our superiors.

Richard Branson is a name known around the world, not just for being one hell of a flirt, but for creating a hugely recognisable and successful brand in various industries. In his autobiography ‘Like a Virgin’, Branson talks about his struggles at school due to his dyslexia and poor academic performance. Before dropping out at age 16, the mogul’s headmaster told him he would either end up in prison or become a millionaire. I propose the question; in fear of ending up as the former, how many of us have been prohibited from becoming the latter?

Some may call me argumentative; fair call. I grew up in a family who could have brought home the gold, if arguing was an Olympic Sport. Though I’m learning to pick my battles and walk away from conversations that can’t be won, such as disagreements with people who are more offended by two men holding hands than holding guns. “I could argue with an idiot, but then there’d be two idiots”. There is a fine line between being argumentative and having a voice. Having a voice is my finest quality and it continues to make me proud of myself. This doesn’t mean that I’m not kind or compassionate, this just means that I value myself and my needs, which in turn, makes me stronger to help others.

Kasey Chambers articulated this brilliantly as she was recently inducted into the ARIA Hall of fame; “being a bitch doesn’t make you strong, and being strong doesn’t make you a bitch”. Amen.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I adore Lady Gaga. Not just for her amazing vocal performances that have inspired me in my own singing career, but because she’s just plain smart. After having back to back success with her first two albums, Gaga felt immense pressure on her from her record label and media scrutiny to continue and expand on this success. Having been a songwriter from a young age, Gaga felt the emphasis moving away from her creativity and onto her being a money-making puppet for people riding the coat tails of her success. After being hospitalised with a broken hip and experiencing constant pain from fibromyalgia, Gaga felt quite simply; depressed. I watch a lot of Lady Gaga footage on YouTube; there are some damn fine performances on there, but my very favourite is of Gaga’s speech at Yale University, encouraging us to SAY NO. The multi award winning singer and songwriter shared with the audience, some of the questions she asked herself to return to a healthier state of mind:

“Stephanie/Gaga/hybrid person, why is it that you’re unhappy? Why is it that you want to quit music? Well I really don’t like selling these fragrances. I don’t like wasting my time spending days shaking people’s hands & smiling & taking selfies; it feels shallow to my existence. I have a lot more to offer than my image. I don’t like being used to make people money. I feel SAD when I am overworked and that I just become a money-making machine and that my passion and my creativity take a back seat; that makes me unhappy. So what did I do? I started to say no. “I’m not doin’ that. I don’t wanna do that. I’m not taking that picture, I’m not goin’ to that event, I’m not standing by that ‘cause that’s not what I stand for.” And slowly but surely, I remembered who I am. And then you go home, and you look in the mirror and you’re like; YES, I can go to bed with YOU every night, because I know that person. That person has balls, that person has integrity, that person has an opinion…I check in with myself throughout the day and ask myself, do I really want to do this? And if the answer is no, I don’t do it, and you shouldn’t either.”

I believe this speech to be a very powerful reminder of who is in charge of our own lives. Especially now, that we are living in a society dominated by ‘likes’ and ‘followers’. We may not have the same financial freedom as Gaga to stay at home if we don’t feel like going to work that day. But if you feel stuck in a situation that is sacrificing who you are as a person in the effort to appease another, then only you have the power to say NO. To remove yourself from that situation and then try something different. Once you can do that without looking around for someone to tell you that it’s OK, you have conquered fear. And you will be free.

When we were children, we all wanted to grow up. Surely it wasn’t for the bills and wrinkles; it was for the freedom.

I’m a work in progress. I know that times will arise throughout the day when I will worry what might happen, what someone might say, or doubt my talent and abilities. But that’s OK. As long as I am aware of this and keep bringing myself back, then I am moving forward.

I recently did something for my career that the mere thought of years ago would have terrified me to my core. No matter the outcome of this huge risk I took, I felt so good inside, knowing that I pushed through the shaking legs and achieved something I never had before. I was brave, and I am so proud of myself. I go to bed each night and look at Steph in the mirror and say; “I can go to bed with you”.

As we draw to the end of the year; my first year writing this blog, I would like to thank you so much for reading words that have meant a lot to me. I wish you and your loved ones a very Merry Christmas filled with love, trifle and champagne.

My wish for us all in 2019, is that we say no to situations that make us unhappy, say yes to adventures that help us grow and have balls bigger than a rhino.

Image result for kath and kim gif — Work it Kimmy

September 23, 2018May 2, 2019

The real F-word

It was recently suggested to me that men have a higher suicide rate than women because of feminism. Please excuse me whilst I wash this vomit out of my mouth for a moment. If anyone believes this, I implore you to pick up a book or go out of your little box and into the world. These folk need to stop getting their education through over-dramatised social media posts or Trump-esque videos aimed at pitting one group of people against another. This ‘us v them’ culture is truly the demise of us all. Living with a football player, I can tell you that the reason suicide is much higher in men, particularly in the football community, is because they were raised in macho surroundings where you were labelled a ‘wimp’ or a ‘pussy’ if you cried or showed emotion. Many psychologists believe that those who internalise are at a higher risk of suicide. I fail to see how me expecting to be given the same rights as my male counterpart encourages suicidal tendencies. If that’s the case, you really are a pussy.

What makes me laugh is when a woman feels the need to preface a smart statement with the line: “I’m not a feminist, but…” It reminds me of when Pauline Hanson says; “I’m not racist, but Asians are taking over”. Ladies, if you’re going to say something in support of your fellow sisters, please don’t feel the need to apologise before it escapes your mouth. That’s only perpetuating the myth of feminism being hateful. This is the exact problem. That feminism is a dirty word. This movement has never been about hating men, it’s only ever been about equality. Imagine a world where we weren’t pre-judged on our gender, our race or our religion. Because that’s what prejudice is; pre-judging. You can judge me as much as you would like, but please judge me only on my actions. Because that is all I can control. Everything else was a birthright.

When I was in high school, I was in a group of friends that consisted of two other girls and about 10 males. My favourite thing to do on a Friday night is have steak and wine at the pub whilst watching the footy. When I am invited to family functions; all of the women sit inside eating cake and talking about celebrities, yet I sit out the back with the men; drinking scotch, smoking cigars and talking about sport. Yet, I am a feminist. I repeat; feminism is not about hating or lowering men, it’s about making everyone recognise we deserve the same rights, whether I can change a tyre or not (I so cannot…NRMA anyone?). Can I also clarify another misconception? You don’t actually have to be a woman to be a feminist. My hot, straight, football playing boyfriend believes whole-heartedly that he and I are equal and that he is not entitled to any more than I due to a difference in gender. He too, is a feminist. Believing in gender equality is what makes you a feminist (and also not an idiot).

Image result for feminism gif

Having been born in the 80’s, I was brought up on movies that led us to believe that our happy ending was standing at the end of the altar in a white dress. What’s interesting, is that very rarely did they explain what we did with our lives after that (presumably barefoot and pregnant). Men saved the world, and women married those men. Gradually, with each generation, you see a shift in entertainment. Disney used to portray Cinderella getting rescued from horrible (and catty towards other women) step-sisters by a handsome prince. Poor old Belle had a bad case of Stockholm Syndrome when she fell in love with her captor. But today, Moana is sailing the seven seas to rescue her whole village! She’s warm and wild and brave, and the world fell in love with her (I love her crazy grandmother who dances with Sting-rays; that’s my kinda woman). The big shift arose when I was a teenager, The Spice Girls introduced us to Girl Power and my TV screen was dominated by Buffy, the Charmed ones and Dark Angel. Their ass-kicking moves and sassy retorts will live on in my soul forever.

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Can someone please explain to me why so many believe it acceptable, humorous even, when a man is drunk at a party but inappropriate if a woman is? I wanna have some fun too (right Ms Lauper?) Correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t alcohol work its way down to the liver rather than the penis? Hmm, perhaps I need to look at a diagram of anatomy again. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not condoning drinking to excess, I just fail to see why it’s socially acceptable for one and not the other. I was not born to be the designated driver with an expensive handbag. I have a voice, and I intend to use it. Plus…I am a fantastic dancer after a few champagnes. I was recently shamed by a wife of my partner’s friend for having been drunk at a party two and a half years ago. I walked up to her at a wedding and introduced myself, to which she replied; “oh we’ve already met at that birthday party years ago, but you were too drunk to remember”. I found that very interesting, considering that her husband was drunk at that birthday party, her husband was drunk at this wedding and her husband has been drunk at every occasion in between, as were all the men in that group. I’ve even had my sink clogged by their vomit. But I suppose that’s funny (YTB!) I’ll tell you this much about our lovely friend, I wouldn’t have remembered her even if I was sober. I tend to only remember people with personality.

It’s disappointing to realise that it’s not only men who are fighting our belief in gender equality. We can only succeed if we work together and stop tearing each other down.

No one can be ‘better’ than another based on something they were born with, such as a postcode, a colour of skin or a chromosome. Your actions are the only thing that determine your importance. Graham Long is better than most, because for decades, he provided a safe haven for the lonely and hopeless in Kings Cross. He used his voice to help others find their own. Turia Pitt is better than most because she is breaking down the walls of perceived beauty and continues to rise, despite her setbacks. She is using her strength, to help others find their own.

Allow me to share with you an actual exert from the Woman Anti-Suffrage Association of New York, urging men to vote no on the woman suffrage amendment;

Vote NO because there is no adequate reason why the women of this State should assume this duty in addition to those they already carry.
Vote NO because women are not suffering from any injustice which giving them the ballot would rectify.
Vote NO because man’s service to the State through government is counter-balanced by woman’s service in the home. One service is just as essential to the welfare of the State as the other, but they can never be identical.

Housework was actually referred to as a woman’s service to the State.

Remember the old saying; “who died and made you boss?”. Who died and put men in charge? Why did we ever have to ask for permission to have a voice? It makes as much sense as black people sitting on one end of the bus, and white people sitting on the other.

Inequality is in play when TV executives deem it OK to have a male news anchor who is old and unattractive, but his female co-anchor must be under 55, slim and attractive (I know you all remember Brian Henderson). Inequality is in play when Emma Stone and Jennifer Lawrence were paid less than their male co-stars for the same film, even though they’re both Oscar winners. And inequality is in play when tampons are taxed as a luxury item but condoms are not.

Once a month, I love to spoil myself with some luxurious indulgence.

Feminism is a beautiful word. It might not be as beautiful as my two other favourite F-words; Free Food. But I am damn proud to use it.

A woman with a voice is a beautiful creature, not as the lovely Greens member Greg Barber put it; “fat, hairy lesbians”, “power pussies” and “hairy-legged feminists”. Sit down Greg; you ain’t no oil painting.

Any movement that encourages equality and fairness is a good and necessary movement. It is met with resistance only by the weak who fear losing their strength if others are stronger. True power comes from within, and cannot be taken away by another.

FEAR; now that is truly one of the filthiest words.

July 20, 2018March 7, 2019

I can’t adult today

Wake up at 4:20am; gym, shower, eat breakfast, hang laundry, wake boyfriend, catch train, nap on train, make social media posts for business pages, pay electricity bill, go to work for 8 hours, catch train home, read novel, text friends for dinner catch up, send message to ex-colleagues about that dinner you were supposed to organise two months ago, walk home, make dinner, wash dishes, fold laundry, wash hair, do vocal warm-ups & learn new songs for singing gig next week, write blog, email club owners about gigs, spray exit mould in shower, moisturise, kiss boyfriend good night. Go to bed.

Damn. Can’t sleep.

This is my typical day. This is probably pretty similar to your typical day, with a few substitutions.

Boyfriend’s day goes a little something like this: eat, work, gym, play Fortnite. Please God, let me have a penis in my next life.

I don’t deserve pity, I agree, it’s all self-inflicted. I could choose not to do so much. At least once a week mum tells me; “Stephanie, stop doing so much! Just enjoy life.” I can’t mum, there’s no time! We’re in the midst of a gender shift where women are in their element. I flick through the Sunday paper and find articles of female entrepreneurs telling me how I can achieve my dreams, just like they did. We used to be encouraged/programmed/brainwashed (you say potato) to marry someone on a stable income (or filthy rich). Now, we’re being told we can create our own riches and achieve business and personal goals, from real-life women who have done the same.

The problem we’re all having with trying to create a noteworthy life, is that we’re not leaving enough time to live it.

What terrifies me, is that I don’t even have kids yet. How do people with kids do it?!!! I guess that’s why most new parents I know are in zombie mode. Just pushing through with a hell of a lot of eye cream and caffeine.

At night, my mind is occupied with ticking off today’s To-do List and writing tomorrow’s, that by the time I get to bed; I find it hard to shut my mind down enough for sleep. My boyfriend constantly bear-hugs me in the kitchen whilst pleading with my brain to stop planning and over-thinking (don’t tell him that I actually scheduled our sex-life into my list one day). In my defence, he and many other people in my life depend on me to organise many aspects of our lives. If I don’t plan and over think, very little would get done in our home, I assure you. In fact, my friend Alexis articulates it much better, when I send texts reminding everyone of what time to leave work to be at dinner on time and which transportation would be faster; “Bruno, what would we do without you?”

I have two modes; work like a ravenous beast until I feel a sense of accomplishment, or collapse on my bed and threaten to run away and become a waitress in a country town, spending most of my days lying on the grass, making shapes out of clouds and singing Stevie Nicks songs (if you can’t give me penis in my next life God, can I be a joint-smoking hippie? Or a hang-ten surfie? Ooh ooh and long, tanned legs please!)

I am all kinds of tired lately. Things are going to have to change. I harp on about balance a hell of a lot, and I always start with the best intentions but soon enough, I’m back where I started.

I ponder now of the days in my teens I wished away; waiting to be older, to have freedom from rules and curfews and homework. What I wouldn’t give to be lying on my single bed in my parents’ home, letting Tori Amos’ ethereal vocals wash over my melancholy soul, dreaming about boys, under my Dawson’s Creek posters. “We’ll I’m not seventeen but I’ve cuts on my knees. Falling down as the winter takes one more cherry tree.”

My best friend Chantelle was killed at the age of 23 by a hit and run driver. As we planted some of her ashes under a tree in her dad’s front yard on what would have been her 25^th birthday, Jean-Pierre turned to me and said; “she always wanted to be 25. Even as a child, she wished she could just hurry up and get to 25.” Oh, how I wish she didn’t wish any of it away.

I’ve made so many wonderful friends along the way but there’s a reason the high school friends have a hold on me. Even the dear old friends I don’t see regularly anymore like my beautiful friend Liz. We grew, and her path went one way and mine went another, but her words pop into my mind more than she realises. Like the time we had a fight about…actually I can’t recall at all what it was about, but I do remember that she appeared on my doorstep with a copy of Anne Rice’s ‘The Vampire Lestat’ and a note that read “Stiffy, don’t be angry. Life’s too short for angry”. She may have been my shortest friend, but she was by far the wisest.

These friendships are forged during such formative years. We held hands and crossed the equator from child to adult. I faltered along the way. I continue to falter at times. But I always feel those familiar hands at my back. And that’s all I need to know.

Your teens are like 5pm on a Friday; you’re relaxed, ready to party and in no rush because there’s still so much time ahead of you. Lately, I feel perpetually stuck at 8pm Sunday; in a frantic rush to get things done, haunted by that niggling feeling that the fun is all over and not within reach for a long time.

I never understood why Adam Sandler kept pressing fast forward on his universal remote in Click. I would much rather be Piper Halliwell and pause the world whenever I need. Just to catch my breath. Image result for piper halliwell freezing power gif

I’m of the belief that living in the past can bring depression and living in the future can create anxiety. The present moment is all that we do indeed have, and the key to a peaceful existence. But just for today, I’m going to close my eyes, allow my soul to drift back to a much younger version of myself and indulge in a little selfish teen-angst. Just for today. Now where did I put my Walkman and belly-button ring?

I didn’t participate in Dry July but I’m proposing a month free of Social Media in an attempt to disconnect from everyone else’s moments and create my own. I dub thee; Angst-free August. I’m predicting a result of either having so much free time that I finish writing my novel (did you see Bradley Cooper in Limitless?) Or becoming so Zen that the Dalai Lama has me on speed-dial (he probably doesn’t have a phone, so it may be a telepathic speed-dial).

Catch you in the Spring x

June 11, 2018March 7, 2019

The rise of the keyboard warrior

“Thank you for your email. Human Decency is out of the office on extended vacation. If the matter is urgent, please contact Hostile Harry, Selfish Sally or Rude Roger”.

Tell me I’m not the only one who has noticed an increase in the impolite manner in which people are conversing these days? In person, I’d say we’re still resembling civilized creatures (though perhaps not in peak hour traffic). This demise of human decency is overwhelmingly evident via text, email and social media.

I have always claimed that my words are my weapon. Whenever I have worked with anyone less than professional, I have always prided myself on using just the right selection of words to stand up for what I believe in. Your words really are your weapon, choose them wisely. In the end, we all end up in the same hole in the ground or as the same pile of ash, no matter if you were a CEO of a multi-million-dollar company or scrubbed toilets for a living. If the only real legacy you leave behind is your character, don’t we all want to make our character one to be proud of?

Malcolm S. Forbes, former Forbes magazine publisher and son of founder, B.C. Forbes, has some very poignant quotes. One of note is; “You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.” I adore this quote and try my very best to live by it. This is what concerns me. I am noticing a very fast-paced society where everything is so easily accessible; You can buy a whole outfit on a Monday afternoon from an App on your phone whilst sitting at your work desk, then have it delivered, for free, to the very same desk the next morning. You can try it on in the bathroom, and if it doesn’t fit, you can have it sent straight back, free of charge (yes, I’m talking about The Iconic, someone delete my App before I spend every last cent to my name!) No wonder retail is dying. I used to adore wondering through the shops, now I only go to Westfield to buy groceries. I do all of my other shopping online. The internet has made everything so easy and convenient hasn’t it? In turn though, people’s patience seems to have shifted and we seem no longer willing to wait for anything, and some of us become quite outraged if we can’t get exactly what we want on the spot. We are living in a world full of convenience and not nearly enough kindness.

Have we created a generation of The Simpsons’ character ‘Fat Comic Book Guy‘ sitting bravely behind his keyboard, attacking anything and anyone, just because he can? Is it just a way for the insecure to be heard?

I’ll bet on your last trip to a country town, you noticed that people said “hi” to you on the street, or chatted in line at the shops, or didn’t walk with their heads down staring at their phone. Perhaps they haven’t bought into the same society as us where our phone is our lifeline. Perhaps they’re not on fast-forward like us city-folk, so they feel they have the time to stop and connect. Maybe they’re just living a better life. Maybe they’re just happier.

One of my best friends just closed her tattoo business and recently received a text from a former client looking to extend his hand tatt to his arm. My friend responded with a very lengthy text advising of her change in circumstances and offering many alternative tattooists who may be able to help, as well as some other advice on picking the right design. His response was “LOL”. To which, my very intelligent friend responded, “not sure why that’s funny but OK”. This lovely man then proceeded to tell her that it was funny because her information was completely useless to him. Her information was of course not useless, it was rather helpful and informative but because he couldn’t get exactly what he wanted when he wanted, he pulled a Veruca Salt and had himself a little tanty. Here’s my question; do you believe his response would have been the same if they were standing face to face? I do not. I believe he wouldn’t have been delighted; but would have felt somewhat embarrassed to say these words out loud, for fear of sounding like a spoiled brat.

Remember when you started dating your current partner and you would send each other naughty texts? Oh, how I love those first few weeks (must stop blushing, people around). What was great about these texts, was that you felt so much braver to say everything your hormones wanted to say via text rather than to his face (accept after a few bevvies when you ended up sounding like you should be charging by the minute).

The same principal applies in all texting. As a society, we’ve gotten Dutch courage hiding behind our phones and keyboards, and we’re voicing opinions that are very often crossing the line. Remember a time when people used to live by the old adage of “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”? Just because you believe something, doesn’t necessarily mean that you always need to share it with the world.

I was scrolling through Instagram this week and saw a pic of Britney Spears lounging by the pool with one of her sons, who is surprisingly grown up now. I was impressed by how amazing Brit looked. So toned and so fit (note to self, must wake up early and go to the gym tomorrow). I think I left a comment saying something like “Hot damn” with a little fire emoji. I noticed the comment underneath said; “shame she doesn’t have the decency to cover up in front of her son”. She was in a bikini. She was at a pool. Seriously? Then of course people came out in her defence writing comments like “didn’t realise it was the 1800’s”. I thought of a few comments myself but if I jumped on there and trolled the woman who trolled Brit, aren’t I part of the problem? Watching people attack one another online reminds me of those zombie movies where one bite takes over the next host so within seconds, an entire village has been claimed.

What amazes me, is that this woman chooses to follow the popstar. Why not unfollow her if she is offending you? Why try to correct her? Maybe she’s happy. Maybe her son is perfectly happy. I’ve unfollowed people I happen to love, on social media, because some of their opinions or posts hurt my feelings or did not sit well with my beliefs. I did not feel the need to blast them for their views. I just didn’t need to witness it. It’s called self-preservation and I make no apologies for it. Contrary to popular belief; Social Media is not life. It is a very small part of life. Some of the most important people in my life are not part of my Social Media world. Facebook will not be my measurement of happiness. Eckhart Tolle (yes, I will continue to quote he and Louise Hay at every opportunity I get) believes that people’s need to be right or their need to get others to hear their opinion is the ego. The ego needs to be right or to be heard to survive.

A few months ago, I, like most of the country, was caught up in the hype that was Married At First Sight. My friend Gill and I would talk about it constantly at work, so she invited me to a Facebook MAFS Group to get caught up in all the latest goss. For the most part, it was pretty entertaining. I made one post on the page that went a little something like “Every meal these guys eat is on white bread, they must be constipated AF”. A few minutes passed, it got a few laughing face emoji’s then I went back to work. I opened the page up again on my train ride home and nothing on this planet could have prepared me for the onslaught of comments that attacked my trivial post. And attacked me as a person.

“Oh here we go, listen to the f###ing gym junkie”. Sorry I have biceps.
“Oh shut up you idiot, white bread is full of fibre”. Um, not really, but OK.
“You must have way too much spare time to notice that”. Yes, I had a spare seven seconds.
“It’s people like you who are ruining the world”. Yes, I should be locked up with rapists and child molesters.
“I’ve been eating white bread for 70 years. I am perfectly healthy. You’re probably the one who’s constipated because you have a stick stuck up you’re a##e.” That last comment was from someone’s grandmother.

OK so in hindsight, it’s a humorous situation but I’m telling you now, I was rattled. The comments continued to come, one after the other. I left the group immediately. The whole night, I felt a state of anxiety. I felt not so good about myself. I don’t believe I am the kind of person who needs compliments or external validation to know my worth (not now anyway) but I have always been the kind of person who feared words far more than sticks and stones. Bruises heal. Psychological scrapes and bruises tend to linger for me. I would understand if I wrote something mean about one of their favourite people on the show, but I talked only about food. It has no pulse! I know carbs are delicious but how can anyone be that protective over a baked good?

You see it every day. And it’s just gone too far here people. Just because you’re hiding behind a screen, it doesn’t take any impact away from the words you are projecting to another human being. Some will point the finger at moderators of groups or organisations or schools to do more when people are getting bullied, but I believe we all need to be more conscious of the way we are treating others. Let’s teach our children the importance of being a good person more than the importance of winning a race or a dance eisteddfod. If someone is being bullied, comfort them and be there for them. If someone is bullying, ask them if they are OK. Chances are, they’re not OK. Those who cause pain for others are usually in a great deal of pain themselves. We need to eliminate the ‘us’ v ‘them’ mentality in life. We’re all people. We all have battles to fight. We must cultivate kindness in our everyday lives. You can say that it’s what separates us from the animals but I gotta say, I see a lot more compassion coming from animals when I watch Youtube videos of elephants banding together to pull a fallen comrade out of a ditch or birds passing food to dogs who can’t reach the treat bowl.

In a week where yet two more creative celebrities have taken their own lives (Rest in Peace Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, you were wonderfully unique spirits who made your mark on this earth) we have to be aware that the human race is in a state of pain and agony. We’re hurting. Cruelty and bullying is a pandemic and the reason it has gained such momentum is because the internet has given it a global platform to spread like disease.

I am a staunch believer in kindness. I believe that if you think something nice about someone, anything at all, tell them. When I see a stranger on the street in an outfit I like I always say;“hot dress!” when I see a man with a gorgeous English Bulldog I always say “what a lovely dog you have” (I also say good morning to birds and trees but let’s start small). Mother Teresa believed you could change the world by smiling at strangers. One smile at a time. Boy was she spot on. You don’t have to create a fundraiser or make huge financial contributions, but you can add your small piece to the world. That small piece is more valuable than you’ll ever know. Your smile can create a domino effect. Kindness spreads like wildfire just as much as hatred does.

Please go out into the world this week with the objective to share kindness to others. To both your loved ones and to strangers. Even if the recipient hasn’t been particularly kind to you, in fact, extra points if you bring joy to a troubled soul. Resist the urge to share your opinion if it’s intent is to stick it to someone. Imagine each day as a score sheet to get into the pearly gates. One point for each act of kindness, minus one point for each time you inflict pain. What will your ‘for and against’ points look like on Judgement Day? I hope for your sake they’ll be in surplus.