I had my baby boy in July 2024 and never did a blog about it, because it turns out that creating then raising a little human is pretty fucking time consuming.
But as I sit here writing this, I’m preparing to return to my full-time ‘paid’ work tomorrow. If you have trouble sleeping tonight because you can hear noises outside, it’s just my gentle sobs coming from Cronulla.
Don’t get me wrong, I know on many levels, that this will be really good for me. To be back with adult friends talking about something other than Leo and his feeds / nap times / swim lessons etc, to be back in a beautiful airconditioned office in Double Bay and to be back to a full bank account will feel so good for the soul. But to walk out my front door and spend an entire day away from the little person that my body created, for the first time since he was born, will absolutely break me. And picturing him missing me, will be a dagger to the heart.
I wanted to get back to work early. I knew I was never the type of person that could handle a long maternity leave. I like structure & routine, I like to keep busy, and I like to have a purpose. But it feels so unnatural to be separated from this tiny human who relies on me to provide him everything he needs, so soon. I don’t feel ready in my heart, I don’t feel ready in my soul.
I know it’ll work out, but I’m acknowledging the chasm in my chest, and I’m sitting with it for a minute.
As hard as that factor is, it’s probably not the worst part of it. I work hybrid and my husband and I are taking turns solo parenting Leo whilst the other is working. Two days a week I’m in the office, but three days a week I’m EVERYTHING. I’m the primary caregiver to an infant just about to start crawling, I’m doing all of the housework, I’m doing a full-time job with increased responsibilities…and throw in part-time podcast host whilst you’re at it.
I’m absolutely fucking terrified for the impending burnout. No matter how I structure all of that, I will get burnt out. It’s par for the course.
I’m starting to think that society is just not designed to nurture and support working mothers. Something that honestly never crossed my mind before having kids. How in the hell do single, working mothers do it?!!!! They deserve a God damn parade. No, they deserve full-time hired help. Sometimes relying on family or paid childcare is not feasible. Sometimes, you’re just it.
It’s a truly paradoxical time in a woman’s life.
I always knew I wanted to be a mum one day, and I figured I’d be good at it, but I delayed it as long as my body would allow because I had other interests I wanted to pursue before being tied down. I can tell you now, I had absolutely no idea how much I would absolutely love motherhood and the insane amount of love I would feel for my son. From the second they cut me open, held up this perfect little human and placed him on my chest, I had to have him on or near me at all times. It feeds my soul in a way I never imagined possible. To feel the depths of this magical love, and on the polar opposite, feel so insanely exhausted and pulled in a million different directions, is really overwhelming. All you want is to bask in the glow of motherhood, but you’re too exhausted to get off auto-pilot. Millennial mums are working and financially contributing to the household expenses just as much as the dads. And yet, we’re still doing all of the other stuff mums did in previous generations, because they didn’t work, and their husbands were at work all day. Throw in your side hustles, your gym workouts, your social life with multiple groups of friends, your dry brushing, your yoga & meditation, and your hundreds of beauty & medical appointments, and what you have is a recipe for implosion. They say the biggest mistake people make financially is spending more than we earn. Well I can tell you right now, that every woman my age is spending more energy than she’s recharging. And that’s a major fucking problem.
What’s the solution? Well free childcare is a good start. But there definitely needs to be massive physical and emotional support for mothers, from all areas of her life.
Who were my absolute saviours during pregnancy and early motherhood? Other mums my age. They’ve just been through it. They get it better than anyone.
I said to one of my mum friends the other week, that I found a version of myself in maternity leave that feels like a long-lost friend. Like 15yr old Steph who used to hang out with her friends all day, then lay on her bed listening to Tori Amos on her CD player and stare out the window and watch the stars. The girl who was so excited about life and her future, who knew how to unwind and daydream for hours.
I’ve been working non-stop (aside from the occasional trip) since 1998. I’ve been in rapid “go mode” my entire adult life. I don’t know how to relax without medical assistance. I’m rarely in my body, always ten steps ahead. And the last six months, I got to play. Really play like a child. I’d take Leo for a walk along the beach, and we’d stop halfway, sit under a tree and watch the clouds. We’d jump on the bed and kiss & cuddle. We’d play music and have a dance party in the living room. At 2pm on an idle Tuesday, we’d sit on the bed in our underwear, throw our legs in the air and rock side to side in the happy baby pose. I ask you, how can I go back to sitting behind a laptop for at least 8hrs a day when I’ve been doing the happy baby pose in my underwear?!!!
I fell l in love with this version of myself, as much as I fell in love with my son. And whilst I’ll miss Leo when I’m busy working, this version of myself is who I’ll miss the most.
That, my friends, is what you call ‘motivation’. That’s my ultimate motivation to make 2025 my biggest quantum leap year yet. I’ve played it safe the last few years. I’ve had a steady incline of success, but I’ve made small steps because it’s safe. It’s comfortable. I’m gonna get really uncomfortable this year, and carve out a life for myself that means I dictate my schedule, and I will ‘happy baby pose’, anywhere, anytime.
It’s gonna be a big year kids, mumma feels it in her waters. I thank you for sticking around and reading words that mean a lot to me. And if you haven’t already, please check out my podcast ‘Can I Get A Refill’ for even more (and far more regular) thoughts.
Wishing you a very magical 2025. I hope you get really uncomfortable.
