writer - The Barefoot Blogger

October 4, 2021October 4, 2021

Is boredom the opposite of happiness?

I recently downloaded the audio book ‘The 4-Hour Work Week’ by Tim Ferris. You’ve probably read it or at least heard of it. A brilliant concept of figuring out clear and concise methods to condense a week’s worth of work into 4hrs, with the income continuously flowing in so that you can travel the world, spend your mornings surfing or doing yoga and generally living an awesome life. A brilliant read, worthy of its accolades but when he started in on complex math equations, I hit pause and am yet to revisit. I will…‘someday’. There is one line of his that stuck to my brain like Grape Hubba Bubba under ‘90’s school desks:

“Most people think that the opposite of happiness is sadness. It’s not. The opposite of happiness is boredom”.

Read that again.

The further we get into this pandemic that prohibits us from any form of adventure and the further I sink into the mundane responsibilities that encompass adult life, I realise that this is 100% my problem. I AM BORED OUT OF MY FREAKING MIND!

Hillary Clinton Bored GIF - Hillary Clinton Bored - Discover & Share GIFs — Hang in there Hils.
(GIF courtesy of tenor.com)

Some of you might think this odd of a girl (oh sorry, I’m a woman, keep forgetting) who recently married the love of her life. Don’t get me wrong, my husband is an absolute gem of a human being. His company is a true gift. But I’m still an individual person, as is he, with our own desires of creating a life full of adventure and wonder and I can’t say that I feel much of either lately.

It’s important to note that I actually wrote most of this article in early June, a few weeks before this very lengthy Sydney lockdown was imposed. Please don’t interpret my words as boredom of only this lockdown, but also boredom of the ‘busy’ life I was leading before June 26.

Many of us were already so bored with the busy-ness of our daily routine. Just because you’re tired and have a to-do list longer than Mariah Carey’s hotel demands, it doesn’t mean you’re not bored (that was totally not a judgement, Mimi provided the soundtrack of my childhood and if she demands my kidney, it’s hers). You have to ask the question; how many of us are feeling fulfilled by our insanely busy lives? Are we busy because we’re carving out the path we always dreamed of, or because we’re doing what society has convinced us we ‘should’ be doing? Are we going to the gym because we love it? Or because we only feel seen as successful if we have a toned booty? Are we throwing big birthday parties for our kids because we enjoy it? Or because we’re worried we’ll be mum-shamed if we don’t?

It’s the intention behind our movements that can mark the difference between enjoyment and obligation.

My current admin role has a tendency to suck the living soul out of me on a daily basis. It doesn’t mean that I’m not grateful to be one of the few who is blessed enough to have retained her employment throughout a pandemic and two lockdowns, but I can’t be true to myself or to you if I don’t admit that being seen as the bicky bitch makes me wonder where I took a wrong turn. Paying my dues with mundane tasks at 18 made sense, but at 38 I can’t help but think, how the fuck did I get back here?!!!!

Wine Under Desk Crying GIF - Wine Under Desk Crying Robin - Discover & Share GIFs — Not actual footage of me, but not far off.
(GIF courtesy of tenor.com)

I spent most of my early life on stage, dancing and singing. I danced in the opening ceremony of the Sydney Olympics, I danced in an NRL Grand Final Opening Ceremony, I sang on The Voice. Now I’m filling up the biscuit container, collecting and distributing mail, taking everyone’s mouldy coffee cups to the dishwasher and being frowned upon for wearing bright red dresses or giant hoop earrings. I think the words “try to blend in” were actually uttered to me before last year’s staff photo. I’m just not quite sure they really ‘get me’.

But here’s the clincher, it’s not anyone else’s fault. I can’t blame anyone but myself here. That’s my God Damn job. It was my choice to take a job that has a steady income to pay the bills, when I know it will not bring me joy. I chose ‘safety’ over ‘adventure’. I hate to admit it, but I think somewhere along the line, I stopped being brave.

We all want to be seen and to be heard. And more than anything, for our individuality to be celebrated. If it’s not, you’re probably in the wrong place. When I was in a toxic relationship, full of despair and self-loathing, I wrote a sentence in my journal that I have recited to myself many times since:

“You’re a sundial in the shade, you’re not broken; you’re just in the wrong place”.

I vividly remember staring out of the window in high school Maths class (give me Art and English any day) transporting myself into a little café in Paris, covered in vines, seated inside looking out at the trickling rain, smoking on my cigarette and sipping my hot chocolate (I invented that fantasy way before you were old enough to get a passport Emily in Paris).

We all have places we transport ourselves to in times of boredom, but the question is, can we turn that visualisation into reality?

As a child, I would fantasize about the abilities of Mary Poppins, jumping into chalk drawings and being whisked away to magical lands of riding merry-go-round horses in a horse race, eating candy apples and bursting into song and dance with penguins. I just always believed that I was magical like Ms Poppins. Now I fear I may have turned into grumpy old Mr Banks who likes things neat and orderly. Some will surely read this and find me ridiculous, but trust me when I say; in every second of every day, I would rather be ridiculous than mediocre.

Mary Poppins Chalk Drawing Scene on Make a GIF — Wait for me Mary!
(GIF courtesy of makeagif.com )

A woman of 38 is expected by society, almost demanded, to put away seemingly childish quests in place of being sensible. To make a good wife, mother and daughter. To hold a steady job and create a beautiful home (soooo much more to say on this topic, but I’ll save that juice nugget for my article on the patriarchy).

I had recently lost my effervescent optimism in place of this nagging irritability and I realise now, it’s because I’m going against my true nature. The way a bird locked in a cage feels, when her wings were created to soar above the clouds. The nature that wants me to run barefoot in the rain and spin in circles. The nature that makes me aspire to find my next singing gig instead of scrolling through the Baby Bunting site looking at cribs for my future babies. The nature that makes me sit at work thinking of my next three blog topics instead of topping up the bowl of Mentos in the boardroom or the Tim Tams in the kitchen.

If you’ve seen that Goddess of a woman Lady Gaga in her Oscar Nominated performance in A Star Is Born, you might recall the opening scene of her working in a restaurant, late for her singing gig because her boss makes her take out bags of trash before she clocks off. She walks slowly up the ramp of a dirty basement, in plain work clothes, with plain swept up hair, spinning around slowly as she sings the words to ‘Somewhere Over The Rainbow’:

“When all the world is a hopeless jumble
and the raindrops tumble all around.
Heaven opens a magic lane.
When all the clouds darken up the skyway
There’s a rainbow highway to be found”…

As the words A STAR IS BORN slowly emerge on the screen. A girl who most might walk by as just another invisible person. But inside, she is a superstar.

In the words of real life Gaga herself: “I’ve always been famous, it’s just no one knew it yet”.

Lady Gaga - National Anthem - Super Bowl 2016 (HD 1080p) Full Video on Make a GIF — My Queen!
(GIF courtesy of https://makeagif.com )

I simply refuse to believe that we were put here to merely go to the gym, wash the dishes, go to work, have zoom meetings, make dinner, wash and hang the laundry, sleep and repeat. To be ‘good girls’. To follow the rules. To get praise from our parents, our teachers, our bosses. To make a good home for our husbands and children and host insta-worthy parties. Although if I do host a party, you’d best believe that there’s a damn good cheese platter on–hand and the Aperol is flowing. As an Italian, there are just standards that must be up-held, for the love of good food and drinks (not because that’s what’s expected of me of course).

At least I’m one of the lucky ones who married a guy with values that mirror my own. He has no expectations of me other than to do what makes me happy, because he’s woke enough to have noticed that on the days when I do something amazing for myself, I come home with beautiful energy that in turn, makes me a better wife, neighbour, colleague, daughter, sister, aunty, friend.

This year marked ten years since my first solo trip overseas. I had just exited a highly dangerous, toxic relationship and sent myself to Italy for two weeks on a Contiki tour. I could have visited multiple cities throughout Europe, but it felt cathartic for me to stick only to Italy and visit so much of my heritage as I rediscovered myself. I really found a special part of Steph there, and she lives in a little pocket in my chest always, licking on hazelnut gelato and immersing from the ocean onto rocks so damn hot I can almost feel them burning right now.

We must live a life that sets our souls ablaze. If we can’t travel yet, we must find something else. That’s when the magic finds us.

Many times throughout life and particularly this lockdown, I have lost myself. As I’m sure many of you have. But eventually, I always find myself again. I feel the veil lift, I open my ears to The Universe, and she recommences speaking to me in her riddles that make me know I’m part of something special and much bigger than me.

As the lockdown restrictions begin to ease in a matter of days, don’t forget that it allowed you a breather. Time to rest and discover something about yourself. It was a re-set. An unravelling and putting back together.

Because maybe, just maybe, the journey isn’t so much about becoming anything, but un-becoming everything that really isn’t you.

February 9, 2020April 8, 2020

Give me your digits

Ever get the feeling that society is judging you based on measurable numbers from your age to your dress size, from your salary to your postcode? Remember being seven years old and having something to say only to be scoffed at, because what does a little girl who hasn’t reached a decade, know about the world? Ever felt like you became a little less relevant after the age of 35? Well, I have. And I’m pretty sure I’m not alone.

Kris Carr is a published writer who has documented her journey on living with Cancer for over ten years. Upon having to reflect on her life and make changes to start healing her body, Kris realised that her version of ‘self-care’ had been “don’t look old and don’t get fat”. This line was such an eye-opener for me. How many times have we measured our health on external appearances rather than nurturing our bodies, minds and spirits?

I spent years having only five hours sleep a night, in order to be at the gym at the crack of dawn to make sure I looked fit. Many days, attending the gym twice in one day. Not too long ago, I would drink these synthetic powders that helped to ‘lose weight’ that were so full of green-tea extract that I would get horrendous anxiety and feel like I was going to have a heart attack. Is that practising good health? Me thinks not.

I’ve always labelled myself as an ‘all or nothing girl’. I don’t drink on weeknights, I don’t drink at home and never drink on my own. I may only drink a handful of times per year, but when I do, I go way too far and feel like death the next day. And now in my thirties, I’ve discovered the post-drink blues. You know the one where you’re telling yourself what a loser you are, that you should be married with kids and planning kids’ birthday parties instead of searching for the Panadol and Hydralyte? I eat very healthy most of the time, though if I’m in a buffet situation, I get savage and binge like Augustus Gloop on death row. Like I said; all or nothing. It’s an unhealthy spiral of abstain, binge, feel shame.

Image result for augustus gloop eating gif

Am I to blame? Hell no! I was born a happy young girl who wanted nothing more than to run around barefoot and play. My brain was then flooded with images on magazines, billboards, TV, even Barbie dolls, of what a woman should look like. I was brainwashed into believing that young, slim and attractive = optimal place in society.

Sure, we’ve had improvements, thanks to someone as lovable and talented as Rebel Wilson finally getting a lead role in a movie (even though her size is mentioned throughout the entire film) and female newsreaders don’t seem to be getting replaced by a younger model quite as often. But we’re still living in a society dominated by numbers.

Every time I read an article in a magazine about one of my favourite celebrities, their age is always in brackets next to their name. As if it were imperative for the validity of the article for me to know exactly how old they are. Wow, J-Lo is still hot at 50, Cameron Diaz has first child at 47, Delta is unmarried and without child at 35. Wow, shock horror! These publications are encouraging us to label and compare ourselves to each other to see if we are ahead or behind.

Image result for running late gif — I constantly feel like I’m running behind but I don’t know why?!

Author, spiritual teacher and advocate for ‘living in the present moment’, Mr Eckhart Tolle, believes that the power of the ego lies within identifying with form. Don’t mistake form for just the physical, this can be the car you drive, your salary, your job, your postcode, your weight, your dress size or your age. Anytime you equate your worth with form, you are de-valuing yourself as a person and allowing your ego to dominate. Attention Double Bay people: don’t think I don’t notice you judging my scuffed shoes and non-designer clothes.

Ryan Gosling’s character Sebastian, in the film ‘La La Land’, describes the people of LA as “worshipping everything and valuing nothing”. It’s like a societal Cancer that has spread its disease from coast to coast, brainwashing us into believing that we must attain a certain product, or look a certain way to feel good about ourselves. But do we feel good? Or have we just become the optimal consumer?

The mere fact that a Kardashian is worth over a billion dollars and Dr Charlie Teo isn’t, is proof that modern culture is misguided. If you were dying and needed life-saving surgery, I doubt that someone with a make-up line, a pushy stage-mum and an empire built on the back of big sister’s sex-tape would be able to help you.

Image result for kylie jenner gif — That’s a billion dollar selfie-game right there

Let’s continue to fight the belief that our worth lies in a measurable number. Our humanity, our compassion and our passions will always define us so much more. This body that we’re in is just clothing for who we really are, and it’s temporary, just like our cars, our jobs and our homes. When they go, what makes us special will remain. Remember that and tune into it as often as possible. All of these numbers and figures are a way to compare ourselves to others and determine that we aren’t measuring up. They lower our self-worth and in turn, make us want to spend our hard-earned dollars on labels and products that make us ‘fit in’ to the social norm.

If you really want to talk numbers, here are some figures that count: Scientists have determined that there will be more plastic than fish in the oceans by 2050, …depressing, sure. But more important than your dress size. Or on the back-end of what was a grief-stricken Summer for Australians, the bushfires have burnt an estimated 18.6 million hectares, destroyed over 5,900 buildings (including 2,779 homes) and killed at least 34 people. An estimated one billion animals have been killed and some endangered species may be driven to extinction. Yet amidst the tragedy, Australians and international friends managed to raise over $50 million, led by our Aussie Queen, Celeste Barber. That’s the thing about tragedies; people are always willing to band together to help one another, we just need the right inspiration.

Let’s focus on the things that really matter and move away from media influence that pits us against one another and causes us to question our worth.

Here’s to a life without numbers! Maths was always my least favourite subject anyway.

May 29, 2019May 31, 2019

Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?

It’s a truth, universally acknowledged that the two greatest fears amongst humans are public speaking and death. To which Jerry Seinfeld poignantly noted that at a funeral, most of us would rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy.
I don’t know about you, but one of my greatest fears has always been prison. I need to move my body, feel the earth under my bare feet and stare up at the moon before retiring to bed.
Something I have come to realise over the years, is that a lot of us are living like prisoners. Behind the invisible bars of not being our “true selves”.

In my early twenties, I worked at Myer, in the ladies’ accessories department. What a great job to have at an age where all you wanted to do was try on all the merchandise, run out to Pitt Street to sneak a ciggie, wear low-cut tops and flirt with all the straight boys in the logistics department. At the ripe old age of 35, my life now consists mainly of loose-fitted shirts and napping.
I was approached, one day, by two Chanel representatives who asked me if I’d like to remain in that department, exclusively selling Chanel sunglasses (at $500 a pop, those babies really moved!) I took them up on their offer, wooed by promises of commissions and free Chanel sunglasses (I never saw either). Though there was a catch: the Chanel uniform consisted of a long, high wasted navy skirt and a thick, high neck shirt in a beige that can only be described as the colour of diarrhea. I also had to wear my hair in a bun and no dangly earrings. My thing is the statement earring; Hello J-LO and Nelly Furtado hoops! I was miserable.
OK, I guess George Michael makes a fair point that “sometimes the clothes do not make the man”, but your personal style is your first message to the world of who you are. I felt like I was shackled. Forced to tone down the real Steph.
I literally ran to the chemist on my lunch break and got three more piercings in my ears just to rebel. And a little while later, got my first tattoo.

How many of us today are in a relationship, a friendship, a course or a job that does not, in any way reflect our most authentic selves? Doing something that compromises our beliefs or goals because we believe it is the right thing to do. Or what our loved ones told us we should be doing.
I don’t want to wait until I’m a granny on her way to bingo, before I start being honest about what I really want or who I really am.

Pop music phenomenon Katy Perry was dropped by three record labels before officially hitting the big time with her ’06 hit ‘I kissed a girl’. Always being told to change her image and change her style of songs because she needed to be the next Avril Lavigne, Perry kept thinking; “I just wanna be the first Katy Perry”.
Fast forward a decade or so, and this woman has amassed a net worth of $330m, released 5 albums and 29 hit singles, currently has a successful TV career and a successful perfume and shoe line…just to name a few. This success arose when she walked away from the people who did not believe in her vision, went back to writing and recording her own songs that reflected who she was. And the rest, is history.

Image result for katy perry gif — Take that, losers!

Perhaps the key to success is a mixture of being true to your most authentic self and having someone believe in you and back you.
We’ve all heard Gaga’s speech about getting her big movie break in A Star is Born, about having one hundred people in a room and ninety nine don’t believe in you but you only need that one person. For her, that one person was Bradley Cooper who had seen her perform La Vien Rose at a charity event and moved mountains to have her cast as the lead.

As a result, Gaga received multiple award nominations for her acting role, won critical acclaim worldwide, won an Oscar for best song in the film and absolutely slayyyyyyed the red-carpet during awards season. I think we can all agree, there is only one Lady Gaga.

Related image — Thanks for believing in me Coops. Can I have your babies?

I’m really digging podcasts at the moment. I’m feeling so motivated and inspired by hearing the voices of those I most admire and listening to their stories of rise & fall, directly from the horse’s mouth. Oprah’s Super Soul Conversations podcast is at the very top of my list.
In one of these episodes, Oprah tells of her truly inspiring story that I highly recommend you listen to. I don’t know any story quite like Queen O’s. To rise and rise after such a tragic and tumultuous childhood is truly inspiring. Though the story that really stood out in my mind is how she first got her big break on a daytime talk show in Chicago after kicking around on news programs that she never truly felt comfortable at. Oprah was pitted against The Phil Donahue Show.

For those of you old enough to remember, Donahue was the unrivalled King of daytime TV and Oprah was essentially told by her boss, in so many words; “we know you don’t stand a chance against Phil Donahue, we just want you to get up there and be yourself”. On her first episode, Oprah beat Phil’s ratings and her show continued to gain audiences at a rapid rate until she became the unequivocal Queen of daytime TV (and my world).

There was never anything that cutting edge that set Oprah apart from her peers, she merely demonstrated immense warmth and empathy. Oprah was truly, just being herself, and for her, that was enough to create immense success, given the right platform.

When Ed Sheeran sings, when Jamie Oliver cooks, when Oprah speaks or when Carl Barron tells a joke, are they re-inventing the wheel? Or are they just being their most authentic selves, doing something they really, truly enjoy?

Look at what you’re doing and what you have on your bucket list. Ask yourself if this is what makes your soul soar, or if it’s just what you think you “should” be doing.
Stop “should”-ing on your life. This life may be briefer than you think.

My name is Steph. I like to tell dirty jokes (sometimes with interpretive dance). I like to drink shots at parties instead of being the designated driver (also with interpretive dance). I like to swear if it makes the story better. I like to sing in the shower, pat other people’s dogs, compliment strangers on a nice outfit, watch Christmas movies and listen to Christmas Carols (even if it’s only May) and I like to have a good cry at YouTube videos of cochlear transplant patients hearing their loved ones’ voices for the first time (seriously gets me every time).

Join me in shedding the chains that are smothering the real you. Let your true colours shine, whether it’s to someone else’s liking or not. And do one thing every day that makes you smile, whether you get paid for it or not.
In the words of one Homer J. Simpson; “if it feels good, do it!”

April 15, 2018

So many frogs, so few Princes

Who looks back at old pictures of themselves and cringes?

If the secret to being happy is living in the present moment and not in the past or future, then Facebook really needs to stop showing me what happened on this day five years ago. But I guess Zuckerberg has bigger fish to fry right now.

It’s rarely at the way I used to look (well maybe my eyebrows), but I cringed this week when I saw an old photo of myself from a time when I was in a very unhappy place. It was taken at the lovely waterfront spot of Doyles Restaurant at Watson’s Bay by an ex-boyfriend. You might look at the photo and think I look peaceful, but I know myself, and I see deep sadness in my eyes.

Sometimes I think I miss my twenties: The energy to party all night and back it up at work the next day, the beautifully plump skin on my face, and spending money on oversees holidays without worrying about adult responsibilities. But I was lost. It was a good decade of being on a quest. A quest to figure out who the hell I was and what I deserved.

I’ve had two very toxic relationships. I know which one my family and friends probably think was my unhealthiest relationship (the one I liken to a case of Stockholm Syndrome). But for me it was the last relationship. Due mainly to the fact that I was nearly thirty when it began, and I thought I had taken all the steps to get myself into a healthy place, only to be sweet talked into the most soul destroying two years of my life. With a man who was too busy with his own ego to realise that there were two of us in the relationship. I won’t go into detail in this article (let’s save all the juicy details for a blog about narcissists).

This week, I want to focus on the overwhelming feeling of living with a man who makes you hear concertos in your head every time you think of him. A man who doesn’t talk himself up. A man who under promises and over delivers. A man who has my back, every second of every day.

Throw your vomit bags away, I’m not going to start gushing about the romance and how gorgeous he is (hot AF). I want to tell all the girls out there who remind me of my former self, that love isn’t actually that complicated at all. Sure, in the beginning there is a major teething process. You have to learn a lot about your partner, and they about you. There is a lot of compromise and understanding of each other’s values to ensure that you’re not compromising yours or his unwittingly.

Love is not possession. Love is not Facebook profiles pictures. And the lesson that took me far too long to learn is that love does not make you live in fear or a constant state of anxiety.

Being with my partner is the easiest thing in the world. It is effortless. I don’t for a second wish that it happened sooner either. For without the downfalls, I wouldn’t have had such a deep appreciation for the state I am in now. Failure is the condiment that gives success it’s failure.

A lovely old friend named Carly once told me that you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince. Boy was she right. Just be careful ladies, the frogs aren’t always green and will usually tell you that they are indeed your Prince Charming whilst having a drinking problem, a gambling problem and a secret online dating profile.

Makes you wonder doesn’t it? Maybe I was never really lost, maybe I was too busy being a compass for lost boys.

In a week where another Kardashian has been cheated on (no I do not follow any K girl on social media, but according to the internet, this was front page news) you have to ask yourself; what’s your currency?

Some girls seem determined to pick a mate based on status and income. I had a friend who used to select guys based on what car they were driving. When I met my man, he had a motorbike and an Opal Card…and I’ve never smiled this much in my whole life.

My currency always has been and always will be; love and happiness (Mazel Tov if you found a rich guy with a good heart). And upon assessing all of the relationships in my life today; I feel as rich as Gina Rinehart.

There’s a great little quote that says: Be with a guy who ruins your lipstick not your mascara. I switched over to waterproof mascara in my previous relationship because every night-out ended in tears and usually me catching a cab home to my parents’ house instead of going home with him. I still use waterproof mascara today because it makes my eyes pop! But the only tears that ruin my make up are due to laughing so hard that I ended up rolling around on the floor like a Looney Tunes character.

It’s ironic how being loved by the right people can make you feel so free.

I never gave up on finding the right man after a few false starts. After the last break-up, I took a good ten months to be by myself. Re-visit all the things I love like reading, writing, singing, dance classes and spending time with my girls. I knew that once I valued myself enough, the right mate would come along.

Of-course every relationship I have been in started with love and I do hope that they are very happy now and most importantly, treating their current partners with the love and respect they deserve (hey I put a lot of work in, someone should benefit).

For anyone out there struggling in an unhealthy relationship, I leave you with a line that I used to repeat on the daily, to remind myself that the distressed state I was in, wasn’t my final destination:

I’m a sundial in the shade; I’m not broken, I’m just in the wrong place.